of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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