Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
