I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
