I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
