Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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