Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
