just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
