I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
