hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
