Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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