Kiss
Puke
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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