I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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