I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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