my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
