ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
