Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
