I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
