I think my fart just growled at me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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