sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
