The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
