Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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