Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
