come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
