Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
