just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
