So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize