I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You can't special order awesome
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
