Dual....:-)
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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