That's when you crack a 10am beer
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize