Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
