Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize