Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
