i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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