John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
