sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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