I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
