and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
