At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
