I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize