i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
MIDGETS
????
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
