I am puke
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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