so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
