Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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