I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize