plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How external is "for external use only"?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
