I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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