Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
