I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
