WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
