just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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