my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
