Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
