dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
time to smoke my breakfast
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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