I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
