tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
